I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I lost the right to judge tonight
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
