Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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