i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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