So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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