i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
