Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
