you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
