I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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