Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
