I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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