i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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