Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
