I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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