Just fell off a train. Bad.
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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