i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
