We named our party play list daddy issues
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
