Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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