im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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