there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Randomize
