Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
