i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
