The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
