I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Randomize
