my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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