the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
