According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
