If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
