You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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