Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize