I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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