i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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