Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
