whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I want her autograph on my taint
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize