Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
