i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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