I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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