8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
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