I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
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