i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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