You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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