he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
He felt like a one man threesome
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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