Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You ate ashes out of my bong
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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