I am in a vortex of obligation.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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