they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
