I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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