Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
