Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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