Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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