So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
