Got a toothbrush?
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
