Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
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