cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
