Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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