you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
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