Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
