Farmville is her only friend.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Randomize
