YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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