My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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