Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
