booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
